There is so much I want to tell you, to ask for, to dream of.
2016 didn’t treat me well – I was unhappy, I was stressed, I practically had chronic fatigue, I had daily headaches and weekly migraines, I was unhealthy, I was trapped in an endless cycle of negative thoughts. Countless hours were spent alone, in the dark, in tears, contemplating life. Friendships fell apart and I constantly felt different, I felt like an outsider. 2017 was no different apart from that it allowed me to fully control the subjects I chose for school.
Although I can not remember much of 2016 I know it was a year of self discovery. It gave me the opportunity and time I needed to uncover new thoughts and new feelings I had on myself, to discover who I was. However, due to having Glandular Fever in 2015 I was extremely fatigued, constantly suffering headaches and migraines, it felt like I lost several friends, my thoughts turned negative. I fell into a hole. Maybe it was the stress of school, the fear of loosing my friends, not knowing who I was, or maybe it was because I wasn’t my best. I ended up letting myself go, big time.
I had hope that 2017 would be better, that I would make it my year. I believe that everyone would have done the same thing. I mean, we all want to make the year our own. I was half right. As much as 2017 was better than 2016 I still struggled to make it through the year. I lost myself, I lost everything I gained in 2016. My energy returned only to disappear again due to the stress of school and fatigue later in the year. My headaches and migraines were less often but sadly worse. I felt alone, ignored by those I believed were my friends, by those who I still hope are my friends. Even those I knew were there for me felt so far away – maybe I had isolated myself, maybe the negative thoughts fuelled this idea, maybe school had gotten too much for us, or maybe they were ignoring me. They just couldn’t see what I was going through and I didn’t have the guts to say I needed a little bit of help. Early in the year I had two photography courses that inspired me to look into purchasing my own DSLR camera instead of using my schools. This idea came to light and I became the proud owner of my own Nikon D5600. I went to Europe next – new places, new people, new foods, new experiences. It was a once in the lifetime trip that offered me new thoughts and ideas, both positive and negative. November and December offered me light as school was finishing up. I knew I would have more time to work on me and things started to work. I purchased several things that have made life a little easier and started working on myself.
What I’m saying is… I want to be able to say I had a good year, I want to take back my life and live it the way I want to, I want to be happy, I want to finish my last year of high school on a high, I want to be myself. I want to get out of the hole I’m currently still in, I’m almost there, so please… Be kind.
I beg you to go easy on me while I regather and build on myself, I’m a little fragile at the moment. I do want you to push me to do better but not to my breaking point. I hope that you will be my year and offer me new opportunities, positive surprises, heartfelt memories, deep conversations, rekindled friendships, but most importantly a smile that sticks and a happy soul.
There is so much more I want to ask you, to share with you. But, I think the unknown is necessary and so, I’ll leave you with that.
I wish you the best, I hope for the best, but whatever happens I’ll stick for the long run so how about we make it a good one.