I want to write so many things, I want to let the words flow, I want to let everything I’ve built up inside of me out. I want to explode. I’ve tried writing this several times, I’ve tried hinting my feelings to you but I’m getting nothing. Nothing is happening, nothing makes sense. I know how I feel, I know what I want to write. I just… I want to voice what is happening inside me to you, I want to realise how alone you’re making me feel.
I thought we were friends.
Well, I still think of us as friends but… Do you even care?
I’m obviously wrong.
I’m isolating myself because of you. I’m questioning my worth because of you. I don’t know what the point is anymore because of you.
We were so close, but now… I truly know the feeling of loneliness. I know how it feels to be alone yet surrounded by those you love. It hurts. It really hurts. But you don’t seem to see that. I really just want to break down and cry.
I don’t know where I’ve gone wrong.
Please tell me what I’ve done, I’ll solve the issue.
You all have each other, you have your partners. You have no use for me. I’m just there. I’m the unwanted kid no one knows how to ask to leave. That’s what it feels like. I mean, come on. Planning events in front of me, organising days to catch up. That’s just wrong.
I have no self-esteem anymore.
It’s impacted everything.
I’m tearing myself apart. But I’m always piecing you back together.
Where does this end?
A friendship isn’t meant to be like this, it never used to be.
I’m having so many thoughts I don’t want to be having. I’m comparing every aspect of myself to you, to how I’ve failed this friendship.
It’s our final year of school and I don’t want to feel alone. It should be a time where we live our lives, complain about how tough school is, and get through shit together. But instead I’m having to stop panic attacks while on the way to school, I’m not going to what could be the biggest night of my life, I’m left feeling anxious and in tears before I fall asleep, I’m questioning everything, I’m struggling with school work. It’s all stemming from you. But I’m sure it’s my fault.
I don’t know what to write anymore, I’m exhausted. Everything is draining. I’ve had to stop writing several times so I don’t burst into tears. This shouldn’t be how it is.
I just give up.
I need new friends.
Obviously, you aren’t there for me or you don’t care.
I mean, just once I’d like to not have to initiate the conversation and I’d love to catch up outside of school. Who am I kidding, that will never happen.
I’m facing the facts. You guys aren’t really my friends although I wish you were. I’ve destroyed myself through thoughts I shouldn’t be having and now I’m left struggling to land back on my feet. I’m contemplating life. I’m avoiding situations. I’m not me anymore. I’m hiding in a shell that I can’t seem to break out of.
You have no idea how much you mean to me.
You have no idea how much you’ve hurt me.
You have no idea how much I question myself.
You have no idea…
I wish you did.
And if this is the way it is then fuck it. I won’t have any friends.
All I need is someone to help me piece myself back together.
All I’m asking for is a simple friend.
Is it really that hard?